Wednesday, August 6, 2008

the final thoughts...

I have spent a long time thinking over that letter. What to say; what to say? How dose a man face the lies of his past? At first I thought only time could heal such wounds. Perhaps with time I could answer such a question. Soon I found that I could do no such thing, for the heart to quickly will have moved on rising upon the wings of such a loving spirit. In just that insight the answer became crystal clear and yet absolutely meaningless. As I could only think of how any such answer could only drive doubt into the heart of love. In such I may have declared to God himself that I would never contemplate these thoughts. But in such it has fallen upon me as of late to throw off the great mortal dream of time it self and embrace the eternity that I must face. An eternity of the mind in which I may never escape the heart ache and pain that I brought into the world of one so dear. It remains within my soul each and every day. It will come to pass over my hands like so much blood. And all this must occur even as I only began to grapple with the eternal nature.

I have spent most of my life within the monstrous illusion which consumes so many. I lived in this world labeled as a Christian. The language of our fathers made the chains of of my slavery. I was consumed by the one written law. Defined by a label I had no true knowledge of. No conception beyond the aesthetic categories of the society in which I was conceived. The grammatical aberrations of the ethical consumed my every thought and made of me a slave to a notion of sin far from the realm of faith. I acted as a man consumed by a disease; a man with a sickness unto death which I could escape not even in death it self. My very actions reached out in anger to destroy the chains of the ethical, groping towards the aesthetic notions of the past. In doing so all spirit would be lost, all I could have held dear would be destroyed.

I pray now only that your spirit will eternally soar. That in faith you may be guided only to love. I can wish for nothing more for you or my self that I may never again tumble into your life. Instead it seems I must be left to spend eternity clamoring towards the unreachable. For not one moment will I live in such fear. I will live instead in the sweetest longing. In the memory of love eternally lost.

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